Episode Transcript
[00:00:32] Speaker C: Kurt Vonnegut, reporter on the Afterlife is a fiction podcast series presented by Fountainhead, Transmedia, and Scruffy Bots Entertainment. This immersive world is best enjoyed on headphones, though however you choose to journey into the fantasy world of postmortem journalism, we encourage you to do so with an open heart and mind.
German american ancestors, the earliest of some settled in the Midwest about the time of the American Civil War, called themselves free thinkers.
I like to think that's the same sort of thing as being a humanist these days. One of the many things passed down through generations, perhaps along with my appreciation for a good, dark doppelbach when the time calls for it. Which might just be why I find myself here at the old lion's head tavern after my latest trip through the blue tunnel here to the afterlife.
[00:01:40] Speaker A: Well, here we are, Kilgore.
[00:01:44] Speaker C: Nothing like a good musical tune to find your way in the afterlife. And I tell you, it sounds just like. Wait a sec. Is that Louis? It is.
[00:01:56] Speaker A: The God of jazz. Louis Armstrong himself.
[00:01:59] Speaker C: The good old lion's head tavern. Virgil. Looks just like the original in Greenwich village.
[00:02:05] Speaker A: Indeed. Though, to be honest, I think this 1 may have predated it.
[00:02:10] Speaker C: Well, let's start with a stiff cocktail or whatever it is. The local poison is around these parts. See where it takes us.
[00:02:20] Speaker A: Wow. Look at all those book jackets. Hey, Kurt, is that one yours?
[00:02:27] Speaker C: What?
Hold on a second. What's that? Time quake. Oh, I'm not finished. I'm not even dead. Well, not fully yet, as far as I'm concerned.
[00:02:39] Speaker A: Yeah, no.
[00:02:42] Speaker D: Maybe.
[00:02:42] Speaker C: So what's it doing here? Feels too soon.
[00:02:48] Speaker D: What can I get you? You can call me Wes. And if you don't mind my saying, you look like you just saw a ghost. And not the standard kind, Wes.
[00:02:56] Speaker C: I'm a little shaken. Dry martini feels right. The more time I spend here, the less I seem to understand.
[00:03:04] Speaker D: You're going to fit right in. Lots to explore. I've got just what the doctor ordered.
[00:03:08] Speaker C: Seems a bit late for that, according to some, but I'm still investigating though the landscape keeps shifting. I was never the best at telling time either.
[00:03:17] Speaker D: You know what they say. Timing is everything. One of the many reasons we have time quake up there. We have our favorites, which are apropos. It beats sirens of Titan by a hair.
[00:03:28] Speaker C: I can only imagine how many and who you have heard say that in your fine establishment.
[00:03:35] Speaker D: Trust me, you couldn't imagine. But it includes a magician, two Dalai lamas, and one angry little guy that'll throw a hell of a hissy fit if he hears anything that even sounds like.
[00:03:45] Speaker A: Don't do it.
[00:03:46] Speaker D: Wadalu.
[00:03:48] Speaker A: No.
[00:03:49] Speaker B: 2006.
[00:03:51] Speaker C: Is that really. I was always led to believe that he was actually of average height. And the short thing was just rumors made up by enemies.
[00:04:00] Speaker D: It's true. But it got to him so much in life that he decided to be the age of his last tallest among his friends. Which, ironically, went back pretty young, making him well below average. Here, mortals can live like a child, but their body wears out. Here, that doesn't happen. You make your own rules.
[00:04:17] Speaker C: So tell me, what are the rules, Wes, is there a manual?
[00:04:20] Speaker D: Kurt, use your imagination. Living on the edge. You're an expert at that.
[00:04:25] Speaker C: Do you know if I can go back up the tunnel? I left some unfinished business with my radio producer, among others.
[00:04:31] Speaker D: Radio? Where have you been, man? They're called podcasts now.
[00:04:36] Speaker C: Gee, Wes, I don't know.
Is that Freud?
[00:04:41] Speaker D: Oh, yeah. He's irregular.
[00:04:44] Speaker C: I bet he is an interesting conversationalist.
[00:04:48] Speaker D: Sure, if you got a few hours to kill. And don't mind talking about your mother half the time.
[00:04:54] Speaker C: Ouch.
I think I'd rather keep that all packed up for safekeeping. At least one mother's day to forget.
[00:05:02] Speaker D: But maybe it could do you some good.
[00:05:05] Speaker C: Yeah, brothers, like clockwork.
[00:05:09] Speaker D: Here come the fucking romantics.
[00:05:11] Speaker A: I think I'm supposed to have my martini. Why is it so dark? And maybe one more drink.
[00:05:20] Speaker B: Keats, must we really go through this again?
[00:05:23] Speaker A: I really should have been a doctor.
[00:05:25] Speaker C: I thought I heard her earlier. Mary Wolstoncraft Shelley. With John Keats.
[00:05:31] Speaker A: Regrets are so unbecoming. Keats, my dear, the heart will break, but broken live on.
[00:05:38] Speaker C: And is that Lord Byron?
[00:05:40] Speaker A: It is I, really. I wasted my short life sick and in debt. Oh, who hasn't, John, you want a medal? Byron? What could these poultry verses mean to a dead man?
[00:05:54] Speaker B: John, your verses have gone down in history for all time. What more could you possibly want?
[00:05:59] Speaker A: I want new verses.
But what's to write with no one to read?
[00:06:05] Speaker B: Well, gentlemen, then. No time to waste. Let's drink.
[00:06:09] Speaker A: Here lies one whose name was written. Whiskey.
[00:06:18] Speaker B: Oh, for God's sake. Keith suffers from the on wee of the afterlife.
[00:06:23] Speaker C: I imagine eternal life can pose some existential problems.
[00:06:27] Speaker B: Hello, my good man. Who might you be?
[00:06:29] Speaker D: He's Kurt fucking Vonnegut, the writer.
[00:06:32] Speaker B: Ah, fellow wordsmith. Surely you too must suffer the anxiety of seeing your earthly work slowly crumble in the sands of time.
[00:06:41] Speaker C: Well, I'm still not fully sure I'm done being earthbound myself, but I can certainly relate. And I must say I'm a big fan of your prodigious writing, madame Nang tong po.
[00:06:54] Speaker B: Oh, wow. Going way back in the archives, though I don't know if I quite deserve.
[00:07:00] Speaker C: Prodigious published poem by eleven and a novel by 21. And the preeminent genre defining Sci-Fi novel, no less. I'd say so.
[00:07:12] Speaker B: You're very kind. Unlike these drunken lauts.
[00:07:15] Speaker A: Where are the libations, by God?
[00:07:18] Speaker B: Hold your tongue, Byron. You'll be drunk enough in good time. Absinthe, please. We can surely pay you on the morrow.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: On the morrow?
[00:07:26] Speaker D: Bullshit. How about you daisy sniffing bastards? Get the hell out of here.
[00:07:30] Speaker A: The Spaniards Inn in Hamstead never treated us this grotesquely. And that includes the ghosts. I'll drink for that.
[00:07:38] Speaker C: Put it on my tab. I'd be honored to buy the romantics a drink.
[00:07:42] Speaker A: Oh, my hero. Shelley. Ask him if he's single.
Joyce. Who's in the can?
[00:07:51] Speaker D: What? It's locked.
[00:07:52] Speaker B: Looks like the door is opening.
[00:07:58] Speaker A: Good morrow, naves.
[00:08:00] Speaker D: Shakespeare passed out in the can again. You're bum. Oh, God.
[00:08:06] Speaker A: That men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains. That we should, with joy, pleasance, revel and applause, transform ourselves into beasts.
[00:08:19] Speaker C: William Shakespeare. I'll be damned. It's a real honor.
[00:08:23] Speaker A: Oh, that English. Fit to split the ear of groundlings. Previ. Hath thine dialect a name?
[00:08:33] Speaker C: Yeah. Indianapolis.
[00:08:35] Speaker A: Indianapolis, you say? And thou callest thyself a man of literature?
[00:08:42] Speaker C: Mostly, I guess.
[00:08:44] Speaker A: Art thou familiar with my tragedies, pray tell?
[00:08:47] Speaker C: I am. So is most of the world, one way or another. What are you having, master Shakespeare?
[00:08:55] Speaker A: Brady, something strong to quiet the scorpions.
[00:08:59] Speaker C: Wes, another round, my good man.
[00:09:03] Speaker A: I'm feeling positively lucid, and I mean this in all seriousness. Is anyone up for an orgy?
[00:09:13] Speaker C: Maybe some other time. Sir William, I have a mind to ask about your love life. I am curious to have a certain matter settled.
[00:09:23] Speaker A: Indeed. Speak.
[00:09:25] Speaker C: Did you have affairs with men as well as women?
[00:09:29] Speaker A: As for love, we were as twinned lambs that did frisk in the sun and bleat the one at the other. What we changed was innocence for innocence.
[00:09:42] Speaker C: Exchanging innocence for innocence.
[00:09:46] Speaker D: This has to be the softest core pornography I ever heard.
[00:09:50] Speaker C: By the way, sir, congratulations for all those Oscars for the movie Shakespeare in love. Must be nice to still be winning such prestigious accolades over 300 years after death.
[00:10:02] Speaker A: Why are you congratulating me?
[00:10:04] Speaker C: Well, it did have as its centerpiece your own play, Romeo and Juliet at the end of the day, a tale.
[00:10:11] Speaker A: Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
[00:10:16] Speaker C: You wrote it, though, didn't you?
I do feel compelled to ask the age old question, are all the plays and poems credited to you yours?
[00:10:31] Speaker A: That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Ask St. Peter if you must. I must away. I'm running late to a match. Goodbye, you naves. And you, get thee to a nunnery.
[00:10:48] Speaker C: What do you suppose he meant by that?
[00:10:51] Speaker D: I think he told you to go fuck yourself.
[00:10:53] Speaker C: I think he went to the orgy.
[00:10:56] Speaker A: More absence.
Do I wake or do I sleep?
[00:11:01] Speaker B: Joyce, bring the absence and bring the music up.
[00:11:07] Speaker D: I put that jukebox in so I wouldn't have to hear him. And they just scream over the thing. They write us with a drinking problem. They drink us with a writing problem.
[00:11:16] Speaker B: Come drink with us, Kurt.
[00:11:18] Speaker A: Do come.
[00:11:20] Speaker D: You want another?
[00:11:21] Speaker C: That, and to get another chance with Shakespeare.
So, Mary, if I may call you Mary.
[00:11:29] Speaker B: By all means.
[00:11:30] Speaker C: To what would you say you owe your prodigious writing, particularly astounding for a woman in your time, as unfortunate as it is that it even needs to be said.
[00:11:40] Speaker B: Well, I couldn't agree with you more on the latter part, but I still feel that first part makes some assumptions. I never met my mother, who died on me a fortnight after my birth, on September 10, 1797. She did, however, leave quite a shadow with a clear cut path not to accept the rules for women in my time. And father, a writer of much in his own right, raised me as an anarchist. Really? Forget solidifying my lack of any direction or reason to do anything but imagine.
[00:12:13] Speaker C: What a talented family you were writing, and free thought must be encoded in your DNA.
[00:12:19] Speaker B: I'm lucky, really, to have had the parents I had, the education I had, no matter how unorthodox it might have been. My favorite quote of my father's would be God himself has no reason to be a tyrant. Of course, it was hard not to notice how different it was for women around me. I tried to free my stepsister from the tyranny, for better or worse, thanks to Lord Byron here but I wish I could have done more for my own kind in my own time, as my mother before me. Though I can't imagine anyone quite reaching her level.
[00:12:54] Speaker C: Well, I can pretty confidently say that Frankenstein or the modern Prometheus is about as successful as a novel can be.
[00:13:02] Speaker A: Don't forget who inspired it.
[00:13:04] Speaker B: That's a bit strong.
[00:13:06] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:13:06] Speaker B: During a dark, dreary, stormy weekend on the mainland, our host, before murder could occur, distracted us with a challenge to write a horror story.
[00:13:16] Speaker A: But it was my conversation.
[00:13:18] Speaker B: What makes it yours. We were all there, the handful of us, at the estate, and that curiosity been going on for weeks, if not months. Do you even remember the horror story you wrote that weekend?
[00:13:31] Speaker A: No, Miss Percy Bischelle. But if I recall, you were best known for helping publish Mr. Percy Bischelle's poems. Yes.
[00:13:40] Speaker B: You know, you're a pathetic excuse for a limping little lord. How is it that this man write as much poetry as he did? Can likely not have one title named by the average living person, and yet his name is as recognizable as mine, if not my novel itself, of course. Much more famous than me.
[00:14:01] Speaker C: Well, many ignorant people nowadays know the title, but they only think they know the name of the monster. Perhaps even most these days think Frankenstein was the name of the monster, not the scientist who created him.
[00:14:14] Speaker B: Well, that's not so ignorant. After all, my friend, there are two monsters in my story, not one, and one of them is indeed named Frankenstein.
[00:14:24] Speaker C: Wow. How I still can't fathom the fact that you published that most prescient novel a full century before the end of the First World War, with its Frankenstein inventions of poison gas tanks, airplanes, flamethrowers, landmines, and barbed wire entanglements everywhere, a.
[00:14:46] Speaker B: Slew of nightmares all in one.
[00:14:48] Speaker C: While we're on the topic, I would love to get your opinions of the atomic bonds dropped on the unarmed men, women, and children of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
[00:14:59] Speaker B: Well, that would be quite the conversation, but alas, we must run. We've got some big bets on the shuffleboard tournament.
[00:15:07] Speaker C: Oh, wait 1 second, Michelle. Before you go, do you have one little, itty bitty piece of advice you can leave me with in case I do ever get back down to finish my broadcast? I don't know how many listeners I'll still have, but there was always a core group for each episode, fledgling writers, mostly.
[00:15:30] Speaker B: Cooperation and sympathy are always the answer.
[00:15:37] Speaker C: Did she say betting on shuffleboard?
[00:15:41] Speaker D: You got to see it to believe it. But believe it or not, it's one of the most popular activities there are.
[00:15:46] Speaker C: In heaven I generally choose to believe. Although I do tend to make exceptions for organized religion. Like heaven. Somewhat ironically, though, unless I'm mistaken, it appears that there is no hell.
[00:16:00] Speaker D: This is kind of a one stop shop. One for all with something for everyone.
[00:16:05] Speaker C: The tavern or the whole afterlife affair?
[00:16:09] Speaker D: God, both.
[00:16:21] Speaker C: Is that the Queen Elizabeth II in the back room?
[00:16:27] Speaker D: Tis her Royal Highness. Indeed. That tea room magically appeared when she arrived.
[00:16:33] Speaker C: I didn't even know she was here.
[00:16:36] Speaker D: It's pretty recent. She got a fast pass. She lived to a ripe 96. Longest reigning monarch in british history at 70 years on the throne. Just two years shy of King Louis XIV across the channel in France.
[00:16:51] Speaker C: You know, I'm not really one for monarchies, generally speaking, but she was so regal. A real symbol of something to look up to, even if her family history can range from questionable to downright objectionable, depending on where in the world you stand.
[00:17:12] Speaker D: She is one of a kind.
[00:17:15] Speaker C: Boy, an interview with the Queen would be a feather in my hat and really would increase my audience across the pond.
[00:17:24] Speaker D: There are opportunities for a global audience reach here.
[00:17:27] Speaker C: Is that Nelson Mandela with the queen?
What are those strange goggles they're wearing?
[00:17:34] Speaker D: Oh, that's a VR headset. She loves her video games.
[00:17:39] Speaker C: Video games?
[00:17:40] Speaker D: Yeah, she's a gamer. She's partial to bowling games. Nikola Tesla got it hooked up to some sort of crazy wireless electrical energy. He says that as long as the souls stay positive, there's plenty around for an infinite amount of screen time. Or, I guess, virtual screen time.
[00:17:59] Speaker C: Let me ask you, does Nelson Mandela like bowling, too?
[00:18:03] Speaker D: Nah, Mandela's in the dog racing. His dog, Gumpo, was a rhodesian ridgeback, a descendant from greyhounds, a much better racer than the queen's corgis, but she never gives up. She has longevity on her side. She's playing the oDs.
[00:18:19] Speaker C: Times would have been different if colonialism was decided in a virtual world, on a level bowling lane or a dog track instead of with gunpowder.
[00:18:31] Speaker D: You've never tried one of those virtual reality headsets before, Wes?
[00:18:35] Speaker C: I'm still using my analog typewriter, although I recently upgraded to an electric model.
[00:18:42] Speaker D: Fair enough. No reason to fix what ain't broke.
[00:18:45] Speaker C: Are you a fan of virtual reality?
[00:18:48] Speaker D: I prefer regular reality, but I dabble in baseball games.
[00:18:54] Speaker C: What is it you miss, Wes? And how did you end up in this gig?
[00:18:59] Speaker D: Who's to say?
I'd done a lot of interesting things in my life. Was a cop for a couple years, did three years in Korea and a stint in the minor leagues. But one way or another, I ended up being able to combine my two favorite things here at the tavern, reading and drinking. So I've got no real complaints beyond the romantics.
But as for anything, I miss the open ocean and the wind in my face, sailing the seas on my beautiful 34 footer blue monk.
But the VR they got here is a pretty good damn approximation.
[00:19:39] Speaker C: Tesla help you with that too?
[00:19:42] Speaker D: Nah, I went with jobs.
[00:19:44] Speaker C: Jobs?
[00:19:45] Speaker D: Steve Jobs? The apple guy. Tesla is more about open source. Do it yourself. I opted for a pre packaged deal. Let the experts do what they do.
[00:19:56] Speaker C: What I've really been wondering. If we get some form of media like that up here, there must be a way to get something from here back down there, right? Like a soul, like a souvenir. Anything, really.
[00:20:11] Speaker D: I don't know. But I can say you're not the first to ask. Edward R. Murrow was actually looking into it for a little while there.
[00:20:18] Speaker C: And what happened? He wasn't usually one to give up a fight.
[00:20:22] Speaker D: I don't know. Haven't seen him around in a while. Come to think of it, he might have actually crossed the gates. Not sure, but. Oh, yeah, looky here.
[00:20:32] Speaker C: Is that a tape recorder?
[00:20:34] Speaker D: Moros. One of the finest items from our very own lost and found. I've got no use for it. You want it?
[00:20:40] Speaker C: Yes, definitely. Thank you, indeed. This is, in fact, I believe, just what I needed.
[00:20:48] Speaker D: If you ask me, all anyone really needs is time and some good music. I know I'll be making my way to the musical village as soon as my shift is over. I need to make sure the AV is working. Old system. Maybe. I'll be seeing you there, Kurt.
[00:21:10] Speaker A: The heart is our first instrument, and mine is pounding like a bass drum.
[00:21:16] Speaker C: It is quite the strange feeling entering this place with a dozen body heads turning to catch my eye. Frida Kahlo, sojourner truth, Joan of Arc, Janice Joplin, and to my joy, Mr. Vonnegut.
[00:21:33] Speaker B: You're back.
[00:21:34] Speaker C: So nice to see you again, Miss Hallan. Can't quite say it's been too long and retained my dignity, but it is an absolute pleasure to see you again. Looks like there's a sea of change happening for the better. Hopefully.
[00:21:49] Speaker B: We're trying cooked up a new group called Gaia. Gender's allied in the afterlife.
[00:21:55] Speaker C: That is a great name. The greek goddess of earth, the mother of all life. An intriguing choice for your group, joining together in a place like this.
[00:22:05] Speaker A: Hey, it looks like a fox is loose in the hen house. There's your old pal, Dr. K. Jack Havorkian.
[00:22:13] Speaker C: Where?
[00:22:14] Speaker B: What's going on?
[00:22:15] Speaker C: I see him over there in the corner.
[00:22:18] Speaker A: Maybe he can reverse engineer his old methan and get us back to the land of the living. I'm not ready for this forever.
[00:22:26] Speaker C: Sorry about that, Vivian. Ladies, I've got to see a doctor about a.
[00:22:32] Speaker A: No, no. St. Peter is not going to be happy about these plans. He wanted me to keep an eye on you. He thinks you're untethered.
[00:22:40] Speaker C: Not to worry, Virgil. I'll be back in two shakes of a jackalope's tail.
[00:22:45] Speaker A: My wings were just filling in. I know Pete's gonna have them clipped. I know it. Oh, this is just almost as bad as the apple.
[00:22:54] Speaker D: Testing 1212.
Now, may I present to you all, the one, the only, Amy Winehouse.
Thank you.
[00:23:10] Speaker B: Arrived too early, but it's wonderful to be here.
[00:23:34] Speaker C: My great grandfather Clemens Vonnegut once wrote, if what Jesus said was good, what can it matter whether he was God or not?
I myself have written, if it were for the message of mercy and pity in Jesus'sermon on the mount, I wouldn't want to be a human being. I would just assume be a rattlesnake.
Wherever this path leads, I promise you one thing.
I will not stop my search for universal knowledge and truths, whatever that means.
Of course, that can very much depend on who you are asking. A doctor, lawyer, Monk. Well, no matter what they say about cigarettes, cigars are good for you. They're made of trail mix of crushed cashews and granola and raisins and soaked in maple syrup. Firearms are also good for you. Go ahead and ask Charlton Heston who once played Moses. Gunpowder has zero fat and zero cholesterol. Ask your senator or senatrix or congressperson if guns like cigars, aren't good for you.
This is Kurt Vonnegut, your reporter on the afterlife, signing off for now. Until the next time, Tata Kurt Vonnegut, reporter on the afterlife is created, directed and executive produced by Frederick King. Based on the novel God Bless you, Dr. Kavorkium by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. This episode is written by John Rosen and Leland Gorland. Starring Ben Becker as Kurt Vonnegut, Kate Arrington as Mary Wolstoncraft Shelley, Will Warren as Kilgore Trout, Drew Schaffrenick as John Wesley Joyce with Landon Liberon, Harrison Lampert, Ricky Tribuco and John Patrick Hayden. Produced by Jim Helton, John Rosen, Grant Johnson, Andy Wing, Michael Psy and Patrick Lyons Music composed by Quintron, Craig Sutherland and Jim Helton Sound design by Craig Sutherland and Jim Helton Production design by Caledonia Curry Kurt Vonnegut, reporter on the Afterlife is a copyright of Fountainhead Transmedia Inc.
