Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Kurt Vonnegut, reporter on the Afterlife is a fiction podcast series presented by Fountainhead Transmedia and scruffybots Entertainment. This immersive world is best enjoyed on headphones, though. However you choose to journey into the fantasy world of postmortem journalism, we encourage you to do so with an open heart and mind.
This is Kurt Vonnegut, stuck here for the moment in limbo, roaming around the wonderland I used to like to call the Great Beyond.
Now I suppose I have to call it simply the Great.
I am still determined to find my way back to the land of the living and continue my radio broadcasts to you dear listeners.
I'm still working out the when, where and why of it all, but I've been hearing snippets and I must say I do not like what I'm hearing. Nothing but division and politics itself, often a dividing force when not managed properly at the same time. There is a big old contest going on here among the American assembly, shall we say the post mortem baking delegation.
I'm not quite sure who is running for what, but thus far all I can garner is that there is a seemingly large festival Bake off, related to the induction and for reasons unknown and which make no sense at all, there can only be one delectable dessert served to all souls at the convocation. It is prepared individually, perfectly to your taste. Which of course begs the question of why it couldn't be what everyone themselves wanted.
[00:01:48] Speaker B: All believes are my song.
[00:01:53] Speaker A: The butcher, the banker, the drummer.
[00:01:58] Speaker B: Makes no difference.
[00:02:01] Speaker A: Excuse me, miss? You have a beautiful voice and I love that melody.
[00:02:06] Speaker B: Why, thank you.
[00:02:08] Speaker A: Say, that tall fella in the hat over there, surrounded by the apple trees and angels, would he possibly be.
[00:02:15] Speaker B: Come on now. You don't recognize Abraham Lincoln?
[00:02:19] Speaker A: Well, I'll be. I'd like to speak to him.
[00:02:23] Speaker B: You could make a sign that says, need a miracle? Pack yourself into that crowd and wait. Or you could ask me to introduce you since he's my homie.
[00:02:34] Speaker A: But why and how?
[00:02:36] Speaker B: I know of you. I've read you. And we're both New Yorkers. You're Kurt Vonnegut. You penned some pretty good books. You gave some funny graduation speeches, too. I've even met one of your friends here. Generally, I understand you're on the right side of things. And let's just say I know how he rolls.
[00:02:57] Speaker A: Well, that's mighty kind of you, miss.
[00:03:01] Speaker B: I'm Shirley Chisholm.
[00:03:02] Speaker A: I thought you looked familiar, but you seem different.
[00:03:06] Speaker B: Everything is a little bit different here. Some find the change difficult to adjust to, but for the most part, the afterlife is simply better than the reality of Earth. One option everybody loves is when you arrive, you get to choose your eternal age.
[00:03:22] Speaker A: Yes, I'm still getting used to that. Seems it's not a fully conscious choice. At least I don't recall making it. But I can't imagine making it differently either.
[00:03:32] Speaker B: Hmm. That Lincoln you see there is the pre assassination version, right? Really? Just before.
[00:03:39] Speaker A: Well, seems like a reasonable decision on his part.
[00:03:43] Speaker B: No disagreement there, I guess. I chose 45 years old. The age I was when I entered the U.S. legislature in 1969. My run for president in 1972 took years off my face.
What's your excuse?
[00:04:01] Speaker A: Well, I'm, shall we say, uncommitted. I'd like to think I'm still just passing through. Sorry, but what were you saying about how Lincoln travels?
[00:04:11] Speaker B: Lincoln isn't fond of being enclosed spaces or resting in one place for long periods of time. He can't say no to people who want to learn. But to get a few moments of solitude, he simply out walks most of them. We won't get close to Lincoln here. He'll find us. I'll give him the signal.
Pay attention. He's always good for a memorable sound bite when within earshot.
[00:04:39] Speaker C: Thirteen score or however many score years ago, our four parents brought forth on this continent a new nation. And it was only a matter of time before we all realize that all men can gain wisdom from women leaders.
Some asked me, shirley, you can't be serious. And I would always tell them, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
[00:05:09] Speaker B: Hear that airplane quote? That's a signal. It's a favorite of both of ours. The man can recite the entire movie by heart. He'll find us.
[00:05:19] Speaker A: Well, I'll be. In the meantime, Shirley, maybe you could teach me a thing or two about politics. I remember all the excitement you created. I know many, unfortunately, questioned your legitimacy to run for the highest office of the land at the time. Do you think their concern was more born a gender or race?
[00:05:38] Speaker B: Both. But of my two handicaps, being female put many more obstacles in my path than being black. And what was wrong with my running for president? After all, for 15 years leading up to that race, I was the ghostwriter for a lot of the candidates.
[00:05:57] Speaker A: I'd say you were a real catalyst for change.
[00:05:59] Speaker B: A catalyst for change is usually Persona non grata with those who have been the beneficiaries of the system, which during my time was pretty much exclusively white males. Breaking that tradition meant living with humiliations, abuses, and Slurs.
[00:06:18] Speaker A: Sorry you had to endure that. And now the pendulum seems to be swinging even further to the right, so far that traditions are going out the window, with insults replacing collaboration. I'll never forget your campaign slogan, unbought and unbossed. That took guts.
[00:06:36] Speaker B: That slogan pissed off a lot of the power players, but it received the attention required to get on the ballot and despite hopeless odds, demonstrated through sheer will that in the future, women of color will be taken seriously from the start. Let's get down to it. What do you want to talk about with Lincoln?
[00:06:57] Speaker A: I'm very curious about the elections going on here, and at the same time, I'm hearing tidbits here and there that it appears the United States is heading towards another civil war. I can only imagine that Lincoln would have an interesting perspective on these matters. Politics have become bewildering at best, and at times dangerous in the extreme. But I have a little radio broadcast that deals with the issues of the day, and maybe with your help, we could harvest some wisdom in the afterlife that could help my listeners get things back on track.
[00:07:33] Speaker B: St. Peter lets you commute?
[00:07:35] Speaker A: He doesn't like it, but I used to travel freely years back, and I'm set on figuring out how to do it again.
[00:07:42] Speaker B: Well, I've never. More importantly, I've never told anyone to give up on a dream. So I wish you luck. But either way, you don't want to go up to Abe and sing Lincoln, Lincoln. I've been thinking. When he finds us, let's do some homework. There are a lot of people here you could talk to with a whole multitude of perspectives. If you're looking to help keep the nation together, you'll need to balance your humanism with someone else on the other side.
[00:08:13] Speaker A: I generally prefer laughing to crying, but it would be plain foolishness to think that any one side has a monopoly on truths.
[00:08:21] Speaker B: I'm a pragmatist. I choose to get along with folks whenever I can. It helps to get things done. For instance, I visited George Wallace in the hospital after he was shot during the 1972 presidential campaign.
[00:08:37] Speaker A: You visited a white supremacist? Amazing.
[00:08:41] Speaker B: He was still a human being, and no one deserves to be shot. After the initial shock, he was touched. Crying like a baby. We're not as different as people may think.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: That's quite the sentiment. A beautiful one, though. Even if he was someone who directly fought to make your life more difficult.
[00:09:03] Speaker B: Well, it's certainly frustrating to have to fight for every inch of legislation, but I fought my whole life when I was young I learned from my father to support the rights of trade union workers. In college, I advocated for integration of black soldiers in the military while in public service for women's equal rights on the athletic field.
[00:09:24] Speaker A: I'd say you made history and laid the groundwork for the black men and women to break the glass ceiling.
[00:09:30] Speaker B: I suppose. But the real power lies in the vote. You certainly got me wound up. So I think you're ready to move on to the others.
[00:09:39] Speaker A: I'm ready. Who do you recommend, Ms. Shirley?
[00:09:43] Speaker B: Well, start with what you know. You experienced the horrific devastation during the firebombing of Dresden in World War II. So how about talking to the ultimate bomber who also happened to have been George Wallace's running mate, General Curtis LeMay. You'll find him over there down the bank of the River Styx near Peter Pellegrino's hot air balloon landing pad. LeMay'll be the one with his chest covered in metals.
[00:10:12] Speaker A: His fruit salad, of course.
[00:10:15] Speaker B: His what now?
[00:10:16] Speaker A: Oh, army slang for all the brightly colored medals.
[00:10:21] Speaker B: Fruit salad. Interesting.
There is a blue on a can't accept the green one for living with the fat one trying to be a skinny one. Different strokes for different folks.
So on and so on and scooping you.
We got to live together.
[00:10:50] Speaker A: I hate that sound. It triggers my ptsd. I often think that perhaps when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes and paint ourselves blue and go on all fours all day long and grunt like pigs. That would surely be more appropriate than noble oratory and shows of flags and well oiled guns and whatnot.
Nice landing, General LeMay. I'm Private Kurt Vonnegut, 423rd Infantry.
[00:11:21] Speaker D: I've been briefed. Even saw your movie Slaughterhouse Five. Odd one, that. I suppose you're here to thank me.
[00:11:30] Speaker A: Thank you for?
[00:11:32] Speaker D: Well, let's start with my leading. A sky full of B17s to Regensburg, Germany, August 17, 1943. Probably helped shorten that part of the war. Maybe had something to do with your survival and ultimate writing success.
[00:11:49] Speaker A: Yeah, and maybe you didn't. I thought you were in the Pacific theater, General.
[00:11:55] Speaker D: Sure was there too. Firebombed the hell out of Tokyo.
[00:12:00] Speaker A: Does it ever bother you how much destruction random bombing causes? You can't target a conflagration.
[00:12:07] Speaker D: And that's the point that's not Pussyfoot around. It wasn't a time to try to be limited and tactical.
[00:12:14] Speaker A: But hundreds of thousands of innocent people lost their lives.
[00:12:18] Speaker D: And if it stopped the war one day earlier and saved a single American soldier's life, that Was my job, my duty. I can live with that.
[00:12:31] Speaker A: But I bet there are folks here in the afterlife who may think differently.
[00:12:35] Speaker D: Always are. But some understand. I met some kamikazes here. They get it. They would have killed me. I would have killed them.
Honorable in my book. Tit for tat.
[00:12:51] Speaker A: So no regrets, huh?
[00:12:54] Speaker D: For bombing? No. They called me bombs away. LeMay and I wore that name like a medal. We firebombed 67 Japanese cities. But that was only part of a very effective exercise. I even commanded the atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. We had finally stopped swatting at flies and gone after the manure pile. You can't wage a halfway war.
I'm proud of what I did.
[00:13:29] Speaker A: I remember something you said when you firebombed Vietnam.
[00:13:33] Speaker D: Hold your horses right there, Private. I was misquoted. I never said we should bomb them back into the Stone Age. I said if they didn't behave, we would bomb them back into the Stone Age. Big difference. It was a deterrent threat, you idiot.
[00:13:53] Speaker A: Well, I thought bombing was in your nature, General. And that others had stopped you.
[00:13:58] Speaker D: That's what they call fake news. I was treated very unfairly by the media. I'll bet you never heard about my part in the Berlin Airlift of 1948. The Soviet Union and its lackey satellite states threw up a blockade to starve the Western Allied occupation zones. I sent in 200,000 flights operated by six countries for over 11 months. We brought in 1.7 million tons of food and fuel. We showed them a thing or two, flew right over their blockade into Berlin.
[00:14:37] Speaker A: Oh, so you don't feel like you got your just desserts?
[00:14:42] Speaker D: Damn straight. It rubs me the wrong way how JFK was treated like a hero for his peaceful handling of the Cuban Missile crisis. We should have just nuked Cuba. I even mapped out an emergency war plan that would have dropped 133 atomic bombs on 70 cities across the USSR. Total annihilation.
[00:15:06] Speaker A: And that would have been good.
[00:15:09] Speaker D: I personally guaranteed World War Three would have been completed in 30 days. We would have dealt with the Soviet threat then and there.
[00:15:19] Speaker A: Then you probably wouldn't have ended up going into politics.
[00:15:23] Speaker D: I make no apologies for that. All my life I answered my country's call. During my tour of duty in the Korean War in 1951, at age 44, I became the youngest four star general since Ulysses S. Grant. Grant and I arm wrestle occasionally. I'm up two to one, Bravo.
[00:15:45] Speaker A: But running for Vice president on a ticket with George Wallace the segregationist must have felt like a lost cause.
[00:15:52] Speaker D: General the country was different in 1968. Some old traditions were still alive. Others will eventually be revived. I'd say it was more of a crusade than a lost cause. Do you have any idea how rigged the system is against a third party? I'm not confident about the official election count, but even Those gave us 13.5% of the vote. Many good people supported us, and many more silently hoped we'd win. Traditional group values and a Christian national identity. That's what the United States was founded on.
[00:16:32] Speaker A: Well, I do like to believe that most people are fundamentally good. Maybe that's my middle of the country optimism.
[00:16:40] Speaker D: Well, we have that in common. I'm from Ohio. Birds of a feather.
[00:16:46] Speaker A: Like a dove and a hawk.
[00:16:48] Speaker D: Listen, peace can work. Peace is wonderful. Just sometimes requires war to get there.
[00:16:56] Speaker A: You're still flying around up here?
[00:16:59] Speaker D: Oh, damn straight I do. Nothing's more fun than flying. I keep up my air time. But you gotta be careful. It's tricky without the chronology of a present, past or future. If you sneeze, you're on Titan.
[00:17:15] Speaker A: Any chance you could fly me back on up to Earth?
[00:17:19] Speaker D: Sorry, not part of my remit. They take my wings.
[00:17:24] Speaker A: Oh. Well, it was a long shot.
So you seem happy here with the present administration and all.
[00:17:32] Speaker D: Oh, I manage. But my talents are wasted. I could be training people, getting them ready for combat. Oh, I miss my cigars. They don't taste the same here. They're made out of granola and trail mix, but otherwise it's blue skies.
[00:17:50] Speaker A: I'll tell you what, General. When I get back this way, I'll bring you a couple of Cubans. Last I heard, the country still exists.
[00:17:59] Speaker D: Well, they do make a mighty fine cigar. I like to think everyone deserves a second chance. Assuming they don't have a bayonet to your eyes, throat or testicles.
The greatest irony of ironies is that the imperial Imperial dickwad Emperor Hirohito, didn't just go from Hitler's ally to being one of our greatest partners in trade. No, he became a huge fan of America. You realize that his favorite trip of all time was to the happiest place on earth?
[00:18:34] Speaker A: Disneyland.
[00:18:36] Speaker D: Disneyland. Some say he was actually buried with his prize Mickey Mouse watch he got on the trip. Whether or not that's true, the A hole wears it around here.
[00:18:48] Speaker A: That is surprising.
Before I forget, do you have any thoughts you care to share on the upcoming Bake off rally here in these parts?
[00:18:58] Speaker D: I have one and only one vote, and that's for my beloved Buckeye Pie.
[00:19:05] Speaker A: Oh, the Buckeyes Combination of salty sweet peanut butter and rich chocolate is a favorite to win.
[00:19:12] Speaker D: Private, we're finally seeing eye to eye.
[00:19:15] Speaker E: Aye, aye.
[00:19:18] Speaker B: Reaching across the aisle. Good for both of you.
[00:19:22] Speaker D: Surely. Still slinging that racial and gender equality nonsense. A value system which obviously leads to misery.
[00:19:32] Speaker B: Still preaching that bombing is the path to peace?
[00:19:35] Speaker D: I don't consider myself much of a preacher. But don't forget the Nobel Peace Prize was created by the inventor of tnt.
[00:19:45] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. Well, you still owe me a ride. How about flying Kurt and I over to the Gaia headquarters?
[00:19:52] Speaker D: I can drop you, but we'll have to wait until the Lincoln Gang moves past the Runway. What's the world coming to?
[00:20:01] Speaker C: As you all might imagine, I'm not a big fan of gun violence. We need to use words and ideas as our ammunition, not bullets and bump stocks. I often think of the time my good friend Joey asked me. Do you like movies about gladiators?
[00:20:19] Speaker B: Kurt? He hasn't forgotten us.
[00:20:22] Speaker D: Get on board. Strap in. Remember, on my jet, I'm in charge. And be civil. I've got my finger on the ejection button.
[00:20:32] Speaker A: Who's at the Gaia headquarters?
[00:20:35] Speaker D: A gang of childless cat ladies. They're only dogs here.
[00:20:40] Speaker B: Someone I want to introduce you to with a different perspective and more political experience than any of us.
We are the same, whatever we do. You love me, you hate me, you.
[00:21:03] Speaker A: Love me, and then you can't figure out the ving.
[00:21:19] Speaker E: The workers are the saviors of success, society the redeemers of the race.
[00:21:25] Speaker A: Wow. It's Eugene Victor Debs. A hero of mine.
[00:21:32] Speaker B: Yep, I wanted to keep him a surprise. I only ran for president once.
[00:21:38] Speaker A: He ran five times with campaigns from 1900 to 1920. And his last run was conducted from prison.
[00:21:48] Speaker E: I have no country to fight for.
My country is the earth and I am a citizen of the world.
[00:22:02] Speaker B: He would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need. A gentleman way ahead of his time on women's rights.
[00:22:14] Speaker D: Hello there, Debbie.
[00:22:16] Speaker E: If it isn't Lemony Lemay.
[00:22:20] Speaker D: Can't even have a good old fashioned war of words, can you, you old yellow bellied sapsucker?
[00:22:26] Speaker E: Not with a bull brained wannabe tyrant who only sees in black and white.
[00:22:32] Speaker D: Well, all I see is red in front of me right now. You radical, pinko commie bastard.
[00:22:39] Speaker E: Socialist, not communist. There is a difference, you knucklehead.
[00:22:44] Speaker A: Anyone else find it odd that red is the color of both communists and Republicans these days?
[00:22:51] Speaker B: At the end of the day, gentlemen, don't you both want nothing more than peace and prosperity for the people of your country.
[00:22:59] Speaker E: He wouldn't know what to do with himself.
[00:23:01] Speaker D: In peace, he would piss away prosperity.
Enough jawboning. Take off. Time for old iron pants. See you on the courts, Debs. I'm out. Out of my airspace, you damn balloon.
[00:23:21] Speaker A: Mr. Debs, I'm Kurt Vonnegut, a fellow Hoosier. It sure is a pleasure to meet you.
[00:23:28] Speaker E: Well, I'll be. Mr. Vonnegut, the pleasure's all mine. What can I do you for?
[00:23:36] Speaker A: Well, life among the living is more confusing than ever. I'm hoping to gain some insight on elections, politics in general and some inspiration in this dimension here.
[00:23:48] Speaker E: Why would you need that? Intelligent discontent is the mainspring of civilization.
Progress is born with agitation.
It is agitation or stagnation.
[00:24:02] Speaker A: Well, not the way things are going now. Politics seems almost hopeless. Lies, viciousness, dirty tricks. It's all I hear about.
[00:24:11] Speaker E: Nothing new there. Remember how many times I ran for president on the socialist ticket? Do you think I ever had a chance of winning?
[00:24:19] Speaker A: Hope springs eternal.
[00:24:21] Speaker E: We never got more than 6% of the popular vote. Most the time less than that. I kept running because there were things that just had to be said.
[00:24:33] Speaker A: Like what?
[00:24:34] Speaker E: It was fulfilling to speak up for the people. Politicians who make up the rules, forget about the people. Years ago, I recognized my kinship with all living things. And I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest one on earth.
[00:24:51] Speaker A: I'll keep that in mind.
[00:24:53] Speaker E: As long as there is a lower class, I am in it. As long as there is a criminal element, I am of it. As long as there is a soul.
[00:25:04] Speaker A: In prison, I am not free. Amen. There's pretty radical sentiments these days.
[00:25:12] Speaker E: Well, not really. Essentially, what is said in most houses of worship every Sunday. The problem is the people saying it, don't practice it.
[00:25:22] Speaker A: But don't you think that advocating for criminals and prisoners is going too far? Isn't it political suicide?
[00:25:29] Speaker E: The most heroic word in all languages is revolution.
I went to prison before I ran for president. I took on the railroads. Called for a strike in 1888. The railroads had Washington in their pockets. Maybe still do. Even the army was on their side. But was I wrong? No. They locked me up.
Big mistake. Made me more comfortable with who I was supposed to be. It energized me. Then they put me back in Prison in 1920 for opposing the Great War while I ran for president for the fifth and final time.
[00:26:10] Speaker A: I guess that answers whether or not someone could run for president while locked up, huh?
[00:26:15] Speaker E: You may not like how it could be used, but there is a precedent.
However, being guided by what I did is as silly as thinking that our founding fathers, or really anybody in history, was perfect.
[00:26:29] Speaker A: How can we learn from what you did?
[00:26:31] Speaker E: To me, being called a socialist was a badge of honor. I got the chance to look at things from the bottom up. For example, I was against America's participation in the Great War. Does that mean all war is wrong? Not necessarily. But we must always ask the questions. What will it mean to the soldiers, not just to the generals? The master class has always declared the wars. Their subjects have always fought the battles. The master class often had all the gain and nothing to lose, while the subject class generally had nothing to gain and all to lose, especially their lives.
[00:27:15] Speaker A: But what can we do about war?
[00:27:17] Speaker E: Well, it's an old idea, but start with unions that are international, cross borders that can question capitalism that can restore some humanity.
[00:27:28] Speaker A: That is a tall order.
[00:27:30] Speaker E: Always was, always will be. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Who knows, maybe a few folks will wake up and join in.
[00:27:39] Speaker A: You really are an eternal optimist.
[00:27:42] Speaker E: With good reason. And I'm in the right place for that, aren't I?
[00:27:47] Speaker A: You know, Mr. Debs, right before we were liberated, my buddy O'Hare and I said to the German soldiers, America was going to become more socialists, was going to try harder to give everybody work to do and to ensure that our children at least weren't hungry or cold or illiterate or scared to death. I'm not sure what that would be called now, or needs to be called for that matter, if anything. But it's what we need, dammit.
[00:28:16] Speaker E: The United States was founded on good ideas and the best intentions. The Constitution starts with the phrase all men are created equal.
[00:28:26] Speaker A: And those words were written by politicians, nearly half of whom were the owners of slaves. And there are seemingly always a lot of people who still want to pull up the drawbridge and build more walls.
[00:28:39] Speaker E: We get ambushed a lot of the time. The class which has the power to rob upon a large scale also has the power to control the government and legalize their robbery. Still, there is a reservoir of good to tap into.
[00:28:55] Speaker A: I feel that way. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not a conventionally religious person of any sort, but if it weren't for the message of mercy and pity in Jesus Sermon on the Mount, I wouldn't want to be a human being. I would just as soon be a rattlesnake.
[00:29:12] Speaker E: That's right. In the Beatitudes, Jesus Spoke right to the people.
[00:29:16] Speaker A: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Pure poetry.
[00:29:21] Speaker E: Here we are. With plenty of comfort for those who try to be good. No church leaders or politicians or judges needed. Straight from the heart. Simple talk. Tell me, how have people remembered my message?
[00:29:37] Speaker A: Sorry to say, mostly they snicker and snort and build more prisons.
[00:29:42] Speaker E: What about the Sermon on the Mount itself?
[00:29:45] Speaker A: Sadly, many perceive it as outdated. Wholly discredited. Horse crap.
[00:29:50] Speaker E: What a shame.
Beg your pardon, but I have work to do. Adios.
[00:29:56] Speaker A: Wait. Before you go, can I please get your take on this current election going on here? In the afterlife?
[00:30:03] Speaker E: I never had much of a sweet tooth, but I must admit the occasional weakness for a good butterscotch.
[00:30:10] Speaker A: Well, thank you. Oh, and anything beyond desserts, Always read.
[00:30:15] Speaker E: For yourself and vote with your heart and soul.
[00:30:20] Speaker A: Wow, impressive wings, Mr. Debs. Thank you for your time.
[00:30:27] Speaker B: There is a long hair that doesn't like the short hair for being such a rich one. That will not help the PO. Different strokes for different folks. And so on and so on. Is good everywhere. Perfect timing. Here comes Abe.
[00:30:52] Speaker C: Howdy, stranger got to you at last I was able to shake the groupies on the uphill. Hi, I'm Abraham Lincoln.
[00:31:00] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. Sometimes author, novice postmortem journalist and long time fan.
[00:31:07] Speaker C: It's nice to make your acquaintance. Is it okay if we take a stroll through the apple orchard while we talk and get to know each other? Then we'll loop around toward the blue tunnel. We'll recharge our batteries from the blue light.
[00:31:19] Speaker A: That sounds great.
[00:31:21] Speaker C: So, what would you like to know, Mr. Vonnegut?
[00:31:25] Speaker A: Well, for starters, I'm curious why you chose to take the form of your established adult self versus a younger version, Teenager or child, like many others here.
[00:31:36] Speaker C: Well, I'm finally filling in this frame.
And once you start wearing the hat, you really cannot stop. It constitutes miraculously convenient storage as well.
[00:31:47] Speaker A: Well, you were quite the imposing figure. How tall are you?
[00:31:52] Speaker C: 6 foot 4? Just under 7.
[00:31:54] Speaker A: With the hat, you'd be quite tall even by today's standards.
[00:31:58] Speaker C: It adds up when you're on stage.
[00:32:00] Speaker A: That House Divided speech you delivered during the debate defined your presidency.
[00:32:06] Speaker C: The country was being torn apart. My opponent, Stephen Douglas, was a powerful voice for slavery. I had to be at least as good in favor of.
[00:32:15] Speaker A: That's a positive way to look at things.
[00:32:18] Speaker C: I like to think so. If nothing else, Douglas set me up for some good one liners. He once called me Two Face, to which I replied, if I had another face, do you think I'd wear this one?
Pretty proud of that one, Mr. President.
[00:32:35] Speaker A: On a more serious note, have you been following what trickles in on the latest election down in the old US of A?
[00:32:42] Speaker C: Unfortunately, our degeneracy appears to be pretty rapid. And the comparisons to me, mentioned to me by everyone in their mother, are wearing thin.
[00:32:52] Speaker A: You don't like the comparisons or the mentions of the comparisons?
[00:32:56] Speaker C: None of it. But in the end, fight we must, and conquer we shall. I did what I could to hold the country together despite our differences. But my efforts were far from perfect or complete.
[00:33:09] Speaker B: You can say that again. You left a lot of us out of the U.S. of America. Still, work to be done.
[00:33:17] Speaker C: That is putting it mildly, considering I was a last minute write in compromise that didn't attend the national convention. What we accomplished was amazing.
[00:33:27] Speaker A: A compromise from the country needed.
[00:33:29] Speaker C: The world works in mysterious ways, but it works eventually.
[00:33:35] Speaker A: And people keep running for President despite what happened to you.
[00:33:40] Speaker C: Strange. Indeed. Especially with the modern day advances in automatic weaponry.
[00:33:46] Speaker A: I know you're busy. Let's knock out a few messages for my radio broadcast back on Earth. If you don't mind. Of course.
[00:33:54] Speaker C: Radio, whatever that is. I'm only an expert on my own experience. Hmm. It's good that our Constitution requires a president to be at least 35 years old. You need a wise leader. But the presidency, even to the most experienced politicians, is no bed of roses. So perhaps an upper age limit would be merciful also. Of course, constitutional changes are as rare as hen's teeth.
So for now, it's best to choose a candidate brimming with health, spirit and positive energy. What am I missing?
[00:34:28] Speaker B: Shirley, it is always better to vote for someone or something rather than just against them.
[00:34:35] Speaker C: Indeed. Thank you, Shirley. Look for ways to make peace and unite without bloodshed or hate. What else?
[00:34:43] Speaker B: Vote up and down the ballot. Each member of the team is important.
Slow down, you two.
[00:34:50] Speaker C: Sorry, Shirley. It's hard to slow down with these long legs.
On that note, if you have commitment, integrity, and the ability to take rejection and bounce back, run for office. If I did it, you can too. I've enjoyed the talk, but I'm going to move on before I wear out my welcome.
[00:35:11] Speaker A: Sir, I'm not sure you ever could. But I don't want to hold you up. I just want to thank you for your friendship and leadership. And if you have one more moment, perhaps you can shine some light on the election going on here.
[00:35:26] Speaker C: Oh, you know, in my life, my favorite dessert was always a fresh warm.
[00:35:34] Speaker A: Apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, of course.
[00:35:38] Speaker C: But more recently, I've become partial to deep fried Oreos. There's something else. And on that note, I must bid you farewell.
[00:35:48] Speaker D: Goodbye.
[00:35:51] Speaker B: So, Kurt, here we are, back to where we started. Did you get what you were after?
[00:35:56] Speaker A: My head is spinning like a merry go round. Lincoln and Debs all at the same time. That was great. Before I forget, when we first met, you said you met a friend of mine.
[00:36:09] Speaker B: Sure did. Dr. Jack Kevorkian said you guys made some waves here back in the 2000s.
[00:36:15] Speaker A: Kevorkian? Perfect timing. I need him to reverse engineer his thanatron to send me back to the land of the living to report to my radio audience. But, Shirley, before I go, can I get you to say anything at all about the election going on here?
[00:36:32] Speaker B: Honestly, I can't decide between a classic Coney island funnel cake and the equally classic sugar cakes from Barbados that I grew up with. I loved the funnel cake last time, but I can't help but wonder just how good the sugar cake could be here.
[00:36:48] Speaker A: I see the conundrum. I'm guessing I'm not getting any more from you on the subject.
[00:36:54] Speaker B: You are a smart man. Anything else?
[00:36:58] Speaker A: One last question for you.
[00:37:00] Speaker B: Sure. Ask away.
[00:37:02] Speaker A: Do you miss anything being here?
[00:37:05] Speaker B: I can't wait for the next Rihanna album to drop. Luckily, we have great artists playing every night at the Musical Village. If you're still around this evening, Aretha's singing her blues.
[00:37:38] Speaker A: This is Kurt Vonnegut, your very own reporter on the afterlife. I often come back to the same conclusion, which is that history repeats itself, and I believe a good reporter tries to learn something new on every assignment. I used to say true terror is to wake up one morning and discover your high school class is running the country. I still feel that way. But I have to say this in defense of humankind. No matter what era in history, including the Garden of Eden, everybody just got there. And except for the Garden of Eden, there were already all these crazy games going on, which could make you act crazy even if you weren't crazy to begin with. Some of the games that were already going on when you got there were love and hate, liberalism and conservatism, automobiles and basketball. Even crazier than golf, though, is modern American politics, where thanks to the television and for the convenience of the television, you can only be one of two kinds of human beings. So think outside the box. Read everything in every which order and think for yourself.
Don't be hornswoggled. Until next time, your faithful reporter, Kurt Vonnegut, signing off once more before finding out where exactly I must cast my vote for a heavenly take on the good old Three Musketeers candy bar. Ta ta.
Kurt Vonnegut Reporter on the Afterlife is created, directed and executive produced by Frederick King. Based on the novel God bless you, Dr. Kevorkian by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. This episode is written by Andrew Frothingham and John Rosen. Starring Ben Becker as Kurt Vonnegut, Danielle Davenport as Shirley Chisholm, Lewis Black as General Curtis LeMay, Tony Torn as Eugene, Victor Debs and Harrison Lambert as Abraham Lincoln. Produced by John Rosen, Grant Johnson, Ben Becker, Jim Helton and Patrick Lyons. Everyday People Written by Sylvester Stone. Performed by Juno Dunes. Music supervision by Jesse Kennedy. Kurt Vonnegut, Reporter on the Afterlife is a copyright of Fountainhead Transmedia Incorporated.
